date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
You Might Also Like
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”