@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
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Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
Merica.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.