There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
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Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
Leonardo DiCaprisun
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.