“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
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Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
New Tinder profile.
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.