You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
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An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud