When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
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[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*