For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
You Might Also Like
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.