HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
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Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.