I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
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My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
Comparing yourself to others
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
oppen heimer style lol
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.