The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
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Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
#TopTip
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
when the buffet is more honest than your date
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.