beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
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Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
shut up and take my money
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
Your honor these allegations are
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.