centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
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Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
True
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders