One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
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[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.