Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
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I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
This bar smells like my childhood.
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here