Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
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M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
Never let them know your next move 😂
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.