My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
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“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
The honesty is refreshing
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣