a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
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i’m eating chili cheese fries past 7 pm like i’m not someone who pulled a back muscle on the toilet reaching for the toilet paper roll.
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
You know I’m something of a chef myself
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
I’m an avid indoorsman.
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.