I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
You Might Also Like
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*