I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
You Might Also Like
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.