Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
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I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101