just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
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[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
Ok, but like, how married are you?
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
kevin is now a local weatherman
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up