Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? πππ
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*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Donβt tell me how to live my life, box.
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. Weβre outta here
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
βI bet youβre beautiful on the inside.ββa sensitive guy
βI bet your insides are beautiful.ββa serial killer
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and thatβs my new tagline.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
Iβm sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didnβt list a 50Β’ charge for extra ranch dressing and Iβm hella pissed.
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
I told my mom that βtrying to smashβ was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
Me: ooh baby do you know what thatβs worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it