You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
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I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
A flock of dads is called a grill.
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
bout dat hot dog summer
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.