ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
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[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills