Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
You Might Also Like
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
me after drinking all the wine:
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being