The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
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My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
Always leave them wanting their money back.
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
The cicada invasion is like insect spring break: a bunch of horny teenagers, everyone knows when they’re arriving, no one wants them in that quantity, and they’re going to leave a mess
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.