Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
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No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”