Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
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“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.