Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
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Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars