Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
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Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.