Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
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my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch