Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
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I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
so, is there a mister shapen head
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.