What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
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Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired