[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
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HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
I only look at Wordle for the articles
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
Need WebMD