Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
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Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
I came this close!!!!
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
hear me out : pockets for your socks
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.