me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
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Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
how long have you had this for?
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.