11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
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If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream