my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
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A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
Noah
bad
worse
worst
worchester
Today’s Times
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.