The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
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Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
☺️
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
This did not end as expected.
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless