Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
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The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
My love language is deader than Latin
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..