Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
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I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
put ‘er there pardner!
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.