I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
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[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*