What flavor cupcake are these
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Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name