[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
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I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”