*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
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Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
how to have fun when you’re poor
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
This is always good for a laugh.
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
Intelligence is the new cleavage
Geez man, take it easy.
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.