why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
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a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
Meow
me linking you to my twitter
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah