Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
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When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.