Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
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“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
lmaaaaaooooooooo
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
Imagine having a party on purpose.
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
Always
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?