Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
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[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.