virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
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Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
A classic…
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind